I am a common law spouse of a male crossdresser. No one in the world would think this of my spouse as he is very much a domineering man during his normal wear, and has plenty of manly traits with machinery, tools, engines etc. during daylight and work days.
When he does cross dress which is more often lately, he turns into a very soft spoken gentle person. It is almost as though he has two personalities. He is not interested in sexual contact unless he is cross dressed. Is this a normal issue with most CDs? I find it a little frustrating.
Many men who crossdress, when presenting as male, cut firewood, build things in the backyard, kill bugs when asked, etc… But, as you mention, when they are crossdressed they tend to be much different in terms of personality. Often times this is due to them being preoccupied with the novelty and the mechanics of the often radically different external presentation when they are in girl-mode. For male crossdressers, we call this the Pink Fog. The cure for Pink Fog is a simple one…take away his full length mirror.
Aside from the Pink Fog, the difference in personality in crossdressing men can often be a result of having limited human contact over the years while presenting as female, thus having fewer real-life experiences as the “other’ gender. These experiences are key for humans to learn and grow emotionally. No experiences yields no emotional growth. This is a maturing process that I am describing, and it is necessary for those who wish to present openly as their secondary gender in any sort of authentic way and feel fulfilled on an emotional level. There is no shortcut around it.
The functioning of the maturing process is simple. When a man who crossdresses spends time and effort engaged in social activities in girl-mode, over time, and as he becomes a bit more comfortable his feminine side, his female self should seem more stable, confident and emotionally mature. He will likely at some point trade in the micro-mini-skirts and fishnet stockings for more reasonable and age-appropriate attire. This is a result of him engaging in healthy behavioral patterns which any other well adjusted person would. In short, the girl in him begins to grow up. If you see these positive traits begin to emerge in your partner, then it’s a good sign that his second gender expression is on a relatively healthy path. This is true, of course as long as he is not obsessing with regard to his gender exploration, which happens to many and is also a big no-no.
For those men who cross dress and remain closeted, their feminine selves typically do not mature emotionally, as they often concentrate on other forms of gender exploration in the safety of a completely private setting. The problem here is that remaining reclusive in any way for a long period if time is terribly unhealthy for any human being. So, it’s important that you understand that, if your spouse is to move past the initial fetish-driven phases of crossdressing, socializing with others, whether he wants to admit it or not, is going to be key.
The reason for his heightened interest in sexual contact when crossdressed, is most likely because of what crossdressers often do with their time when they present as female and remain in seclusion. The point of it all quickly becomes sexual in nature via self-gratification. That behavior then becomes Pavlovian, essentially. The pretty clothes and other feminine accessories induce a heightened sense of arousal if rehearsed long enough, so then the individual becomes trained to respond in a sexual way whenever he puts on the feminine clothing and accessories.
My advice is to find ways to bond with and perhaps help to nurture the feminine side of your partner, but insist on you and he finding a balance with regard to intimacy so that all of your and your partner’s wants and needs are addressed. The key here is to find balance in your intimacy together. It’s OK to set some ‘agreed-to’ boundaries in terms of how your partner presents gender-wise at bedtime, but also be sure that, within yourself, you are aware of where you stand regarding his gender duality. Through your own honest introspection, if you find that you cannot be accepting of him, or remain preoccupied with the need to stifle or limit your partner’s exploration due to your own feelings of shame or guilt, then chances are none of this will do a lick of good because, in that scenario, the honest truth is that you and he are not compatible.
Getting to a good place as a couple can be accomplished – My wife and I are happily married and have gone through a very similar process. She will attest to that. It does take some hard introspection and excellent communication from both parties. You both must be willing to be honest with one another and put forth real effort. The reward is a strong lasting relationship where you both are truly happy together.
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