Love, Sex and Sexual Identity Confusion

dear-erica-book-written-life

DEAR ERICA,
So, I’ve been with my man for the past 5 years. During that time, I’ve been dealing with my own sexual identity crisis. I love women and men, but I know of a lot of other people don’t like the label of bisexual. I have tried on the term pansexual for myself, but is that even a real thing? I’m not trying to be offensive, I’m just sincerely confused when people ask me what my orientation is. I’m at the point where I don’t know what to do with myself mentally. I’ve tried talking to my man about it (he’s bisexual) but he gets livid when I start talking about one particular girl friend that I once had a crush on. Any help? Suggestions? Advice?

– Sleepless in St. Louis

DEAR SLEEPLESS IN ST. LOUIS,

First of all, you’re way too hung up on worrying about what box you fit in to in terms of how you identify sexually. Really, why does it matter? You demonstrate that you have the capacity to love others regardless of their biological sex. I invite you to relax and enjoy that wondrous freedom.

You may also consider engaging in some inner dialog in order to find some confidence in the fact that you are different from most others in society and that it is OK. At the point of embracing this, I think you will likely find a new comfort in your uniqueness. That should lead to some inner peace for you.

I encourage you to avoid getting bogged down in the mental confusion of conforming to something society has constructed in terms of your sexual identity and how society itself defines you. You’re literally being categorized and cataloged by others who, for the most part, do not exist in your inner circle of family and friends anyway. Don’t give this obvious disconnect too much weight in your day-to-day life.

The reaction your man is having with regard to you trying to open up and have a conversation about your sexual identity is not what I would consider to be helpful or appropriate. He most likely is feeling feelings of jealousy, and he would do wise to address those feelings sooner rather than later. It’s no secret that jealously within a relationship leads to poor decision making with regards to our partner(s). If I am right about his motivation, then he really needs to develop a more mature approach to his feelings on the matter. You may decide to inform and encourage him to try another approach to these feelings of his, but this is his ship to steer. He needs to make the decision to try another approach.

All that being said, pansexual is indeed a valid term for those who have the inclination to love others regardless of the other individual’s gender or gender presentation. Pansexuals are willing and able to embrace a very unique freedom in terms of attraction.

In terms of once-and-for-all defining one’s own sexual orientation, I encourage you to take your time, focus on making smart relationship decisions based on the skills you have, and it will all eventually figure itself out. No one is perfect, so there may be mistakes made along the way, but don’t get overly frustrated with not knowing all of your inner workings at any given moment. We as humans are books that are perpetually being penned, one chapter at a time. When the writing finally stops…we’re dead. Don’t be in a hurry to experience that level of peace and calm.

-ERICA

Erica | 115 Posts

Erica is a geeky, switchy, trans* chick, who won her first writing contest and publishing opportunity at age 10. She is the Editor and Webmistress of OutShoutTheCrazies! Erica is the one who is flipping the digital switches that make this site light up, so if something breaks...it is, without a doubt, her problem.


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